Pandora Nope
by The Ultimate Person
Summary: These are the scenes that James Camron didn't want you to see.
1. Here are some jokes, now laugh

**I'M BACK!! You see, I found out the reason why I've never realeased anything in the last 6 months being here! It was because I've been trying to write _SERIOUS _stories. After reading all the review I've ever given, I realized that I'm more of comedic person! So after 1 hour in the bathroom with my iTouch, I came up with this crap! Might be a one-shot, might not. Whatever. Read and try to handle the wackiness and bad mating jokes!**

**Disclaimer: If I owned Avatar, I would of made Tsu'Tey gay and have Pandora's air made up of 80% helium.**

* * *

(Fingering tea-cup)

N: So aunt masyawanomcatöxmonaoa-

AM: Just call me aunt M.

N: Um . . . So I'm coming to that age and-

AM: Ah yes, mating is wonderful process! This part goes in there and it wriggles a bit, but don't mind that, but this part goes downwards, hurts like a bitch, but passes, in this goes out, but dives upwards through this, this may seem a bit awkward though- honey, stop twitching, you're going to drop the fine china!

* * *

No: So how did you stop feeling your legs?

FLASHBACK

T: I so bet that you can't jump off of the rooftop and land on your feet.

J: $20 bucks says I so can!

FLASHBACK ENDS

J: A bet. I won you know.

* * *

(Shows an annoyed Eywa)

E: You know what I hate? Random Na'vi thinking they can do it all over my tree! No I don't want you to "_seal your_ fricking _bond_" before me alright, I just want you guys to fricking LEAVE!!

* * *

J: Sky people. Dream walkers. Scounge. Retard. How the heck do they know what retard means!? I'm going to go find out.

(Goes into avatar form and runs to the forest)

Neytiri, how do-

N: Find it out yourself you retard!

(Rolls back to camera)

J: Guess it just comes naturally.

* * *

(Tsu'tey has arm around this guy while drinking "Sky-peoples magic water")

TT: I meanz, I've been arranged to the gurl for whats, 12 YEaRz!!? I helpd her hunt, picked out OuR drapes, which Is gren by the watys, shared my boww with her, AND WHAT DOES SHE GO DOO!!? She does it with this DUD cause he "cares for her" PSHA!! I could duu SO MUCH BETTER YEA!! And she'll be crawlin back all "oh you so cool" and I'll be all like "yea but I found someone else so ha!" and she'll be all like "NOZ!!" and-

RandomNavi: Um, I just wanted to know where the bathroom was.

* * *

GQ: Everything out there that moves, crawls, and breathes will want to eat your eyes out for joo-joo-bees.

(Some random twitchy guy stands up throws "joo-joo-bees" on the table)

RG: IM SORRY ALRIGHT!!? I DIDNT KNOW THEY WERE ILLIGAL, I DIDNT KNOW!!

(Spazzes out and runs out of the room)

GQ: . . . Uh . . .

J: . . .

No: Oh, I so want whatever that guy is on!

* * *

(Sees human form for first time)

J: I see you.

N: I see you . . . And you are pretty damn ugly.

* * *

Grace: How exactly did your brother die?

FLASHBACK

Tom: So yeah, I'll all be like in space floating and stuff till' reach Pandora. That's where they'll put me in this big tall blue dude to go swing on vines and meet hot alien babes and- hey Jake, what are you doing with that plastic bag?

END OF FLASHBACK

J: Chemical explosion. It's sad really.

* * *

J: I was a marine. A warrior.

(Takes sharp object and picks at his chest)

J: YOU MEANIE, WHAT DID YOU DO THAT FOR!!?

(Runs away sobbing)

Mo: Yep. Definitely a warrior.

* * *

J: Eywa, hear my plea and please grant-

(Turns towards camera)

J: Seriously!? A tree, man, a fricking tree!? The hell are you watching people, a blue kitty person praying to a tree!! That doesn't make any f...ing sense! You understand it? Do you? Yeah, that's right, I'm talking to you fat guy in the third row! Don't play clueless on me, chub-chub!!

* * *

TT: We shall stand and fi-

(Mechs take out spray-bottles)

RandomNavi: It burns, it burns!!

RandomNavi: Their water is too powerful!!

TT: Alright, alright, dammit, we surrender!!

* * *

(Jake in human form walks in painted blue, a glued on tail, and a loin-cloth)

J: Hey Neytiri, the chamber kind of . . . Broke. You still love me right?

(Neytiri hits her head against tree)

Mo: . . . Nice mate . . .

* * *

(Gets into avatar for the first time)

J: Ha, ha, I'M EDWARD CULLEN'S AVATAR!!

(Grace starts shaking head)

G: These new guys . . .

* * *

(Jake and Neytiri read script to some random lemon fic)

N: Um . . . Uh . . . Is this really-

J: I LIKE IT!!

* * *

(Rolls into Quadritche's room)

J: Hey sir, I got the inf- Oh god.

(Spots him dancing in a tight leotard)

GQ: I feel pretty, oh so pretty! I feel pretty and witty and GA- oh, um . . . You didn't see that.

* * *

(Takes braid and connects it with antenna thing)

N: You must bond with your Ikran to-

J: EWW!! THAT LOOKS WRONG!

* * *

(During Tsu'Tey's fall scene)

TT: Yeah I'm free!! Free falling!! Yeah I'm- Oh yeah, dramatic death scene.

* * *

(Opens eyes after switching bodies)

J: Wow, what a-

(Camera flashes in front of face)

M&D: SURPRISE!!

J: Mom!? Dad!? The hell you doing here!? How are you even breathing!?

D: Didn't think we were going to miss out on your third birth now were we? Even if it is logically and physically impossible!

(Camera flashes again)

M: Now let me take a picture of you and your wife, mate, love-buddy, whatever you call it!

N: Love buddy?

(Camera flashes)

* * *

**Gotta love momma and poppa bear! Love it? Like it? Want to hunt me down and push me off a cliff for evening breathing!? Say it in a review! They give me the fuzzy-wuzzies! Suggestions? No? Yes? Might continue. Might not. Had fun. I hoped you enjoyed it! :)**


	2. One sad sad week

**Ha, ha, I have ACTUALLY updated! Sadly, this isn't exactly a list of jokes. Its still considered funny though. See, I'm just celebrating my week anniversary since watching the movie. Based off the song "one week" by the barenaked ladies. (If you do not know this song then you are a SAD SAD PERSON!! Look it up on youtube!) These are the effects that Avatar has left me in just, well, 1 week. Just goes to show how "charming" of a person I am. This is my 2 day late christmas present to you! Enjoy!**

****

Disclaimer: I do not own the song one week or Avatar. If I did, I would be totally awesome!!

* * *

**Chorus**

Its been one week since I saw this movie

Caused me to go a bit crazy

Five days since I wrote this fic

Do you still want to throw me off a cliff?

Three days since I read it all

Why must the number of stories be so small?

Yesterday, realized tomorrow was Sunday

But Sunday is now so, oh, I guess its ok.

**Verse #1**

7 days since I saw it

I applauded it

But its over so what now?

I went to the computer

What rhymes with computer?

Hey, they're only 2 fics, how?

Insert cardiac arrest

Insert great distress

Ok, don't do it, never mind then

Hot like wasabi when I bust rhymes

Crap these are the wrong rhymes

Uhh . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

Alright, just ignore that then

So wrote a fic, stole a fic

Wait, no, I didn't steal

Ok, maybe did, so what!?

8 reviews yay, don't like Kanye

That was random

But, hey, its fan fiction, so no buts!

**Bridge, Verse thingy**

I giggle every time an Australian says "mate"

Going to be 10 more years till I ever get a date

Made me want to go jump off a tree a bit

It was painful, but hey, it was worth it

Now I have thing for wheelchairs and blue kitty-cats

I'm appointed to go to a therapist because

**Chorus**

Its been one week since I feel in love

Though my family seems to have had enough

Five days since my bro made fun of me

He still got some blood on both of his cheeks

Its been three days since I went a bit loony

Obsessive, compulsive, what else is on TV?

Yesterday, my family forgiven me

But it still be 3 months till I say I'm sorry

**Verse 2**

Sci-fi, romance, Chinese chicken

I really like chicken, wait, what the hell am I say'n?

This movie messed up mental health

I really need help

Ooh, look, Sam Worthington!

These fics are only making it worse

Put me off course

Oh, hey look, a lemon, OH HELL NO!!

James Cameron makes mad films

He makes insane films

I'M HAVING AN ANXIETY ATTACK-o

Can't do nothing but stare

Stand over right there

As this obsession grows every single day

Now I'm sitting at the keyboard

Writing down ideas

Like why Tsu'Tey should have been gay

**Bridge, Verse thingy 2**

I giggle every time an Australian says "mate"

Going to be 10 more years till I ever get a date

Made me want to go jump off a tree a bit

It was painful, but hey, it was worth it

Now I have thing for wheelchairs and blue kitty-cats

I'm appointed to go to a therapist because

**Chorus 3**

Its been one week since I saw this movie

Now even Sherlock Holmes could shroud this masterpiece

Five days since I laughed and said

"No seriously, I'm fine, no need to bonk me on the head"

Three days since the living room

"Accidentally" threw my dog out of the window

Yesterday, my family just smiled at me

Cause they just re-scheduled my therapy to 3.

They just re-scheduled my therapy to 3.

They just re-scheduled my therapy to 3.

Now this song is over, I really have to go pee.

* * *

**Love it, like it, want to run away in terror after reading such horror? Thats what that little green button down there is for! Still funny? Still good? Any suggestions? I don't really care, because I seriously do have to go pee!**

**Ms TUP**


	3. You are enlightened, Yay

**Sorry there isn't any "real" jokes today. I'm still thinking up on some, really. But I remember a while ago, I made a response to one of my reviewers. He thought that some of the jokes were confusing so I wrote this to clear the air. Than I realized some others didn't get the jokes as well. So, just for the sake of you not-so-bright people, here are your answers. Didn't mean to make it funny on purpose, but some of the answers might be pretty entertaining. HOLD ON TIGHT!! I'm trying my best to update! Hope this keeps you satisfied for a while.**

**Disclaimer: I own a sock. And that's just about it.**

* * *

The one with Aunt M: This joke just randomly came into my mind while I was reading a certain fanfic. I just wanted to poke fun at the whole "mating process" and have Neytiri freak out over it after hearing about for the first time. Brings back wonderful memories now doesn't it?

The Bet: Jumping off of rooftops can hurt. I don't think it will make it any better by landing on your legs.

Annoyed Eywa one: AGAIN, thank fanfiction for the birth of that joke. See, I was reading one of those character's POV stories and . . . well . . . the mating scene came up. I placed myself and Eywa's shoes and started complaining about why the Na'vi like to "do it" on her tree. Than I wrote it down . . . Wow, I am really that sad.

"retard" one: I don't know. Ask my brain. Its been off for a while though.

Drunk Tsu'Tey: Hey, wouldn't you be p!ssed off if your betrothed of hell knows how many years just went off with some dude she met 3 months ago? Best solution: Drown it down with alcohol. The random guy was just there because I just felt that cruel.

Joo-joo-bees one: Ok, first of all, what the hell are joo-joo-bees? Bugs, fruit, beans? How those the term "joo-joo-bees" work in a speech? So many question, such little amount of time. Passed joo-joo-bees off as some illegal drug that one guy gets all spazzed up about. Norm's line was there because Norm seemed like a very bland person. Blandy-mc-bland-bland.

Ugly joke: Compare some average short haired guy in a wheelchair to a tall, lean, graceful, bright-eyed na'vi. Now which one is going to catch your eye on the catwalk? Oh I am SO writing that down for joke potential! (Starts randomly jotting down things in notebook)

The one on Tommy's death: The chance to go to another planet, swing around like Tarzan, and meet hot alien babes is a chance you could kill for . . . Literally . . . With a plastic bag.

The warrior one: Didn't I mention the Jake bashing? Don't get me wrong, the guy is ok, but there were just too many joke opportunities I couldn't past! So here it shows pansy Jake and annoyed Mo'at. Let us move on.

The tree praying and fat guy: Come on now. You can not tell me that there has not been a SINGLE parody that has broken the 4th wall!! Just thought that this was a nice scene to poke at with the comedy stick. Also, fat guys are funny. Deal.

Mech-suit-spray bottle joke: Alright, I'll have to admit, I stole this one from the guys at spill. A lot of people just seem to refer the na'vi to "Cat-people". So you would see why water would kind of back them off. I smacked this one in because I'm a space-killer. Yay.

Human-Jake-dressing-up-as-a-na'vi-joke: Yay, more Jake poking! I don't know what I was drinking or taking at the time, but this just popped into my head. Chamber breaks. Jake still desperate to prove he's still a good mate. An ashamed Neytiri. Simple as that . . . I think.

Edward Cullen joke: Cause get it, they have these little sparkly thingies and are kind of gay if you think about it and . . . Yeah . . . I should stop talking now.

Lemon fic one: My reaction to JxN lemon fic: (sets eyes on fire) WHY WON'T THE IMAGE JUST GO AWAY!!?? WHY!!?? Their reaction: Priceless. Oh and more Jake poking. I guess by now, its more beating than poking.

Dancing general: Self. Explanatory.

The bonding ikran joke: Alright, maybe I was having just a BIT too much fun with the Jake beatings!

The free falling one: No . . . just . . . no.

The parents visiting: I don't . . . really . . . Know. I'M the one who made the joke, and even I'M confused.

* * *

**So I hoped this cleared things up for most of you. REVIEW PLEASE! Love it, like it, want to strangle me through the computer screen? Whatever it is, just review. Pweasey?**


	4. This is Norm

**Woah. 3 chapters, 30 reviews. Ain't a lot, but still enough to make me proud! Multiple projects, family stuff, I think you could understand why this update took some time. And FINALLY its an ACTUAL update and not some random crap that I post just to keep you wild dogs from chewing my leg off. Unfortunatly, this isn't complete. So, I'm dividing this segment into different parts. I hope this gives you guys something to laugh about for a while. But until then-**

**(Swings around broom)**

**BACK I SAY!! BACK!!**

**disclaimer: **Thou author does not own thou avatarith. Thou ith is sadith.

* * *

**This is Norm**

(2 men kick Norm into the room/prison)

Norm: Hey, that hurt my feelings!!

**Norm was one of the special few who were recruited into the avatar program. Norm wasn't much of a "manly-man-man" like most of the males on this trip. Unlike the marines, who mainly enjoyed mooning over the natives and flaunting their muscles, he was a scientist. They don't get out of the building that much.**

(Approaches a group of marines)

Norm: Hey, you guys, you got the information?

M1: EW, it's a scientist! Omigod, get him away from me!

M2: Like, don't touch us, we might catch your science!!

(Walks away in a very stylish manner)

Norm: . . . I'm confused . . .

**He was a scientist considered to be very dedicated to his work. Very dedicated.**

(Grace walks into Norm's bunk)

Grace: Alright Norm, we might need you to- HOLY SHI-

(Shields eyes away from Norm's naked form)

Norm: What? I'm preparing myself for when I get into my avatar.

Grace: They wear these things called loin-cloths Norm. You know, to cover- yeah . . . God, It still burns.

**He was a very smart man who knew many things about Pandora and almost everything about it. And he wasn't afraid to share it.**

Marine: Hey, can you tell me-

Norm: Pandora is a lush, earth-like, moon of the planet Polyphemus, in the Alpha Centauri star system. Beneath the 2 layers, 1 stone layer, 78% of the moon is made up of ubotamium, a priceless chemically reactant material used in the works of-

Marine: Look, dude, I just want to know where I can take a piss or something.

**Yet, it was hard to find anyone who shared his love for the planet. Even some of his best friends couldn't understand this complication.**

(While in avatar forms, Jake is wandering around, being all Jake-like, while Norm examines a brightly colored rock)

Jake: Seriously, what are you doing!?

Norm: Examining this fine set of stone materials naturally formed and fused into a perfect hand-sized shape.

Jake: . . . It's a rock.

Norm: Not just any rock! No! This could have started off as hundreds of scattered land materials yards away from eatchother, brought together through natural process and climate change, forming together into one perfect material with beauty that outshines every other mineral. This could have taken months, years to have created!

(An absent minded Jake picks up the rock and throws it at a bird)

Jake: DIE!! Yeah, that's right, I owned you bird, ha, yeah, suck it and- hey, are you crying?

**Norm has tried settling down with someone, to ease his sadness and bring more meaning into his life, but didn't seem to work out.**

Norm: I mean, am I being too needy, too clingy? Am I rushing things? We could take this slow. Maybe just cuddle a little bit. Unless you don't like cuddling. I mean, because, I'm cool with that! I mean you just say the word and I'm outta there. I could bring you flowers and chocolates. Maybe some clothing. I can cook diner and we can watch a movie. I mean, I'm just trying to say that I really like you and me hope that this relationship might be able to-

Girl: For the last time Norm, I. AM. YOUR. SISTER!!

Norm: Must blood be the one that separates us?

N**o, things haven't been going well with poor little Normy-kins. Things weren't very good on earth either. That was the whole reason why he left for Pandora in the first place. Earth just didn't understand his motives. Even his family.**

(25 years ago, at the dinner table)

Bro: I bet the moon is made out of cheese.

Norm: It's made out of ubotamium you poopy head!

Bro: Nu-uh

Norm: Uh-huh

Bro: Nu-uh

Norm: Uh-huh

Bro: Nu-uh

Norm: Uh-

Mom: Boys don't be immature. The moon isn't made out of cheese or ubotamium!

Bro: Yeah, don't be immature norm!

Norm: I am being mature you dumb diaper block-head!

**Besides family, no one at school understood either. No one seemed to have cared about the blue people on the moon like he did.**

(20 years ago, in elementary school)

Kid1: I want to be the president!

Kid2: I want to be a professional hover border!

Norm: I want to go to another planet filled with glowing trees and tall blue alien smurf people with tails and loincloths!

(During parent/teacher conference)

Teacher: Now, Mrs. Spellman, we have been growing suspicious of what your son has been smoking lately.

**As Norm grew up, he continued to pursue his dream, no matter how much work he had to do.**

(15 years ago, in counselor's office)

Counselor: Next period?

Norm: The study of the entire planet of Pandora, its geography, culture, practices, language, study, and history.

Counselor: You the kid who was suspected to be smoking mysterious substances?

Norm: I don't like to be reminded ma'am.

**Soon enough, he graduated high school and college. Finally, he would be able to actually pursue his dream.**

(10 years ago)

(Post up sign saying "Taking any job offerings evolving distant planets, blue people, aliens, vast wildlife, chocolate, and tribal culture")

Norm: There. Sure to be many companies with these expectations.

There were indeed. But all the offerings from smurfs, tree-huggers, African tribes, and dairy queen were not the offerings Norm was looking for. Just as he was about to give up and join the smurfs, a letter came in the mail.

To: Norm Spellman

From: Grace Augustine

Hello there fellow isolated shut i- I mean, scientist. I have heard of you and great achievements. Your devotion to your work. I am giving you the chance to follow your dreams and decided to recruit you into the avatar program. In which, for 6 years, you are put into cryo until you reach Pandora. I mean, it's not like you have a life or anything, so 6 years should be like nothing. Once you are there, we will place you in the body your artificially grown avatar so you can study and observe the geography and na'vi, who are blue. Though, there is a no mating rule. That's for the marines who are much better than you. Besides all of that, this is a chance to start over. I hope you consider our offer.

-Grace M. Augustine

P.S. There will be chocolate.

**Norm immediately signed up for program. He couldn't wait. Finally, he would be surrounded by people who understood and cared for his cause. People with scientific background and knew how to use their brains. Soon enough he would be there.**

(1minute in cryo)

Norm: 1 sheep, 2 sheep, 3 sheep-

(Week in cryo)

Norm: 362, 798 sheep, 362,799 sheep, 362,800 sheep-

(Year in cryo)

Norm: 31,535,998 sheep, 31,535,999 sheep, 31,536,000 sheep-

(6 years in cryo)

Norm: 189,215,998 sheep, 189,215,999 sheep-

(Gets taken out of cryo)

Norm: 189,216,000 SHEEP!! WOO!!

(Get weirded out stares)

Norm: Um . . . Hi, I'm Norm.

**Little did Norm know how powerful first impressions were.**

* * *

**I hope that this was able to put a smile on your face for a small while. I actually listened to your reviews and used full names. Yes, I used the peeing joke again from the first chapter, but hey, it sounded pretty good when I first started. PART 2 COMING SOON! But for now, tell me what you think on this one! Like it? Love it? Want to stuff my head into an oven and back until golden brown? REVIEW!! **


	5. AN: Alive at last

**(Blows dust off of fic)**

**Oh wow, I haven't updated for months now haven't I? Well, I guess I have to apologize for that.**

**Sorry. I've been busy being lazy. It's a full time job, really.**

**You know, school, family, life in general. Gets in the way of the more important things, like mortally humiliating myself on the internet. Anyways, I'm expecting that most of the people who liked reading this probably don't care anymore, but for those who are still hanging on, I need your help. I've started making "This is Norm pt 2" so that will be out sooner or later. But besides that, I don't really have any ideas for new chapters. I've run dry out. I've never come this far in a fic. But I don't want to back down yet.**

**So, basically, I'm asking you, yes you, royal reviewer, to help me out here. If you still actually give a crap for this fic, I hope you would provide some crazy ass, bat-shit ideas for me to steal. I've really come to a stump here, so I'd appreciate it.**

**I'll give you a cyber cookie and a cross-dressing Norm in return. Take it or leave it.**

**Ms. TUP**


End file.
